Laurel Fink on Michigan Family Law

Domestic Violence Awareness

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS

    October was Domestic Violence Awareness Month. However, just because October is over, does not mean we should forget about this critical problem. The availability of information and resources is the prime way in which family law attorneys can assist clients who are being abused and frightened. Empowering clients with information creates options, and that opens the door to escaping a violent relationship. 

    As a divorce and family law attorney, I deal with clients who are frightening relationships on a frequent basis. Empowering a client so that s/he (yes, men can be victims of domestic violence, too) so that s/he feels strong enough to make a positive change and leave a dangerous situation is part of my responsibility as a family law attorney. While I certainly cannot compel a client to leave a violent relationship, I have learned that providing information and resources to a client can go a long ways towards the client making a choice to end the cycle of violence. There are many resources on the Internet and one of the best is the Domestic Violence Awareness Project. I encourage my colleagues to educate their clients. I encourage all abuse victims out there to take advantage of all available local resources. You may not be able to leave on your own, but there are many individuals and organizations out there, in your community, with training and the ability to help you achieve safety and independence from abuse.

From my point of view, the most important step is recognizing that domestic violence is taking place, and knowing where to turn for help. The following are excerpts from the The Domestic Violence Awareness Project. It is an excellent launching pad for education, information and resources to combat domestic violence.

Domestic violence is best understood as a pattern of abusive behaviors -- including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks as well as economic coercion -- used by one intimate partner against another (adult or adolescent) to gain, maintain, or regain power and control in the relationship. Batterers use of a range of tactics to frighten, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, often injure, and sometimes kill a current or former intimate partner.

How do I know if I'm a victim?
The Power and Control Wheel [PDF] developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, MN is a helpful tool in illustrating the overall pattern of abusive and violent behaviors that can be used by someone to establish and maintain control over their partner. Below are additional resources and tools to help you evaluate the safety and health of your relationship.

    * Am I being abused? by the National Domestic Violence Hotline
    * Am I in an abusive relationship? by the Safe Space
    * Quiz: Is Your Relationship Healthy? by the Safe Space
    * Red Flags for Abusive Relationships [PDF] by the Domestic Abuse Project
    * Am I abusing others? by the National Domestic Violence Hotline

What can I do to get help for myself?
Through the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE [7233] or TTY 1-800-787-3224), help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (www.loveisrespect.org, 1-866-331-9474, or TTY 1-866-331-8453) provides help and resources, including confidential online support, for teens who are concerned about what is going on in their relationships.

To learn about nearby domestic violence shelters, victim advocacy programs, or other services for victims, contact your state's domestic violence coalition. A complete list of up-to-date contact information for all domestic and sexual violence coalitions across the United States and its Territories can be found at www.VAWnet.org.

    * Safety Planning by the National Domestic Violence Hotline
    * Calling the Police by the Safe Space
    * Know Your Rights by the Safe Space

What are signs that a friend or family member might be a victim, and how can I help them?
Family members and friends may feel overwhelmed or frightened if they are abused by a partner. In addition to the resources listed above, the materials below may help you determine if your friend or family member is in danger and assist you in talking with them.

    * 10 Warning Signs by Love Is Not Abuse
    * Signs of Domestic Abuse by the Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence
    * Support for a Friend by Love Is Respect
    * Help Someone Experiencing Abuse by the Safe Space
    * Helping a Friend or Family Member [PDF] by the Domestic Abuse Project
    * How can I help a friend or family member who is being abused? by the National Domestic Violence Hotline
    * A Woman's Handbook: A Practical Guide to Discussing Relationship Abuse [PDF] by Liz Claiborne
    * Fifty Obstacles to Leaving, a.k.a., Why Abuse Victims Stay by Sarah M. Buel

If your friend or family member is abusive, you may be interested in Understanding Batterers & Batterer Behavior. In addition, the resources provided below are designed to assist you in talking with them.

    * Help Someone Stop Being Abusive by the Safe Space
    * Talk to an Abusive Friend by Love Is Respect
    * Helping A Friend Or Family Member End Abuse by Break the Silence

How can I talk to my children about healthy relationships and domestic violence?
VAWnet's Special Collection, Working with Children Towards a Healthy & Non-Violent Future, provides resources focusing on theories and strategies for raising respectful, non-violent people.

    * A Parent's Guide to Teen Dating Violence: 10 Questions to Start the Conversation by Love Is Not Abuse
    * A Parent's Handbook: How to Talk to Your Children About Developing Healthy Relationships by Love Is Not Abuse
    * Help for Parents by the Safe Space
    * Talking to Your Teen about Dating Violence by the Safe Space
    * Tough Talk: What Boys Need to Know about Relationship Abuse by Love Is Not Abuse

How can I raise awareness in my community?
To stop domestic violence, we all need to be part of the solution. Helping a friend who is being abused, speaking up about abuse, educating yourself and others, and supporting your local domestic violence program are all examples of things we can do to help. Materials listed below highlight simple steps that individuals and communities can take to help end domestic violence.

    * 10 Things You Can Do by the Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence
    * Community Awareness Ideas from Love Is Respect
    * A Community Checklist: Important Steps to End Violence Against Women [PDF] by the U.S. Department of Justice
    * A Dozen Ways Any High School Student Can Make Ending Domestic Violence His or Her Business [PDF] by the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
    * Help End Domestic Violence/Ayude a poner fin a la violencia domestica by the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
    * Instigate! An Online Toolkit for Community Mobilization by Transforming Communities: Technical Assistance, Training & Resource Center
    * Just for Men by the Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence
    * Suggested Action Steps from Love Is Not Abuse
    * Take Action from the Safe Space
    * Ten Ways Any Middle School Student Can Make Ending Domestic Violence His or Her Business [PDF] by the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
    * Thirteen Ways Any Adult Can Make Ending Domestic Violence His or Her Business [PDF] by the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence

Tips to Minimize Difficulties of Divorce

Divorce can be one of life's most stressful events, even in the best of circumstances. Some divorces are handled in a fairly civilized manner, but unfortunately,  many divorces are nasty, drawn-out and expensive procedures. If you or a loved one are about to go through a divorce, here are some tips to help minimize the difficulties of divorce. The benefit of following these guidelines and tips is that the parties to the divorce can save themselves both from financial as well as emotional hardship. Credit goes to J. Benjamin Stevens for contributing to these tips.

   1. Don't do things to just annoy your spouse. That's not to say you need to agree to everything your spouse wants. What this refers to is choosing not to antagonize your spouse by demanding the artwork s/he has always loved, or by saying things you know will embarrass or humiliate your spouse, etc. Everyone knows which buttons to push -- Just Don't Do It! You may get some brief feeling of pleasure, but your spouse most likely will respond similarly, and the conflict will escalate, often out of control, with no real benefit to anyone (except the attorneys who will certainly benefit financially from a more acrimonious, litigious case).
   2. Don't respond when your spouse does something just to annoy you. Take the advice that you may have given your kids. Just ignore it and s/he will probably quit doing it. Going back and forth fighting with each other is childish and doesn't help you progress toward a final settlement. You may feel that you are entitled to respond in kind, but it really doesn't help you. To avoid the unpleasantness you sometimes (or often) experienced during your marriage, you have to be the adult and break the cycle of conflict. Remember that you can divorce a spouse legally, but if the two of you continue to engage negatively with each other, you will never acheive an emotional divorce.
   3. Keep the children out of the middle. No messages sent through the children. No using them as a pawn. Think long term here. The disputes are between two adult parents, not the kids, but the kids can be damaged by the adults' fighting. Do what you can to keep the kids out of the middle and you will have a happier family.
   4. Don't waste money doing unnecessary things, fighting over insignificant things or arguing for things that you will clearly lose. Think about the costs of fighting. Financially, is it worthwhile to spend the attorneys' time and your money fighting over inexpensive or easily replaced items? There are many issues in divorces and they aren't all created equal. Some are much more significant than the others. You should focus on the important ones.
   5. Act mature even if no one else does. It's harder to fight with a person who doesn't fight back than with someone who seems to relish the contest of wills. Besides, your family, friends and children will recognize and reward your efforts in the long run. Be a model for mature behavior and help yourself in your recovery from the effects of divorce. Keep in mind higher goals for yourself and don't allow yourself to be sidetracked by someone trying to pick a fight. You will come out in better shape and save yourself time and money. You don't have to mimic or match someone else's bad behavior.
   6. Don't just complain or whine, figure out constructive steps you can take to get a good result. Sometimes it is hard to figure out how to get out of the ditch. Problems can seem overwhelming and solutions unreachable. If that's the case, get help. Talk with a therapist, a life coach, a mentor, your attorney, a teacher or others who are resources for problem-solving. Figure out some goals for yourself and take some action. Even a little step forward is progress. Doing nothing will get you going backwards, if you're not careful.
   7. Take care of your physical health; it will help your mental health, too. Eat right, get exercise and be sure to get some sleep. Now is the time to take care of yourself. Divorce is one of the most stressful times in a person's life. Good physical health will aid good mental health.
   8. Pay attention to your lawyer more than you do your family and friends. Your friends can give you advice for free, but you get what you pay for. They don't really know all the facts of your case and don't know the law as well as your attorney does. They also don't have the working knowledge of the judge, the local court system and the other lawyer that an experienced attorney will have. Your friends may be well intentioned, but they often can really cause problems by providing bad advice and pushing the wrong actions. Attorneys aren't perfect, but they do generally have a better long-term perspective than friends do. Your attorney is not emotionally involved, but your friends are and their advice is likely to be more emotional than informed.
   8. Figure out your goals -- what's really important to you -- and what you need to do to accomplish them. And then take action. When your life is in transition, it's a good idea to set a target, your goals, and plan how you can accomplish them. Think about it some and put your goals in writing. They don't have to be perfect -- you can revise them as you work on them. You may try one thing and then decide that something else is more appealing or important. What's important is to have a purpose and a plan, and then take action. Get help from trusted advisers, if you need to, but get started thinking about the future in specific, concrete ways. Stop just reacting to what's thrown at you. Start planning and initiating your own activities.
   9. Don't limit yourself to just standardized solutions to problems. Open up your mind and be creative so that your needs can be met. Setting lofty goals is sometimes daunting, but use your imagination and come up with your own creative solutions. Don't limit yourself. Be open to trying out "ridiculous" ideas. Sometimes they work best and they can be fun.

Michael Morse on the paperless office

Someone recently sent me a copy of Michael Morse’s article “Going Paperless: A Practical Guide.” Morse is enthusiastic about the potential to become 100% paperless. This article was written after Adobe Acrobat 9 Pro Morse, th e sole partner of Michael J. Morse, P.C., a 13-lawyer firm specializing in truck, motorcycle and auto accident cases, returned from the American Bar Association’s annual Tech Show.

I’ve attended the Tech Show also where I, too, attended several paperless office seminars. My goal, as well, is to become a paperless office. I am getting there. I asked Michael to allow me to share his tips with you as part of my toolbox.

Michael writes:

When qualified immunity protects social workers from 42 U.S.C § 1983 lawsuits

My guest blogger today is Daniel Pollack, MSSA (MSW), JD. Pollack is a full professor at Yeshiva University's School of Social Work in New York City and Senior Fellow, Office for Foster Care and Adoption, University of Massachusetts Medical School, Worcester, MA. His topic today is:

When qualified immunity protects social workers from 42 U.S.C § 1983 lawsuits

As social work has developed into an increasingly seasoned, mature, and specialized profession, the role of the social worker has also changed.  So too is the expectation that social workers will ensure that they are satisfying all legal responsibilities owed to their clients. Although many public sector social work administrators and practitioners are concerned about liability litigation and qualified immunity, no national studies of appellate cases have been published. This study explores when social workers are and are not successful in asserting qualified immunity when sued in civil court under 42 U.S.C. § 1983.

Read the entire article here:

Prenuptial agreement voided because of fault

In an unpublished decision, the Michigan court of appeals voided a prenuptial agreement based upon findings that Husband had subjected Wife to years of mental and physical abuse. Hutchison v Hutchison, Docket No. 284259 [Muskegon County, July 28, 2009]

The trial court held that the prenup could be voided because the facts and circumstances are so changed since the agreement was executed that its enforcement would be unfair and unconscionable, citing Reed v Reed, 265 Mich App 131, 142-143 (2005).

Adoption of adult partner upheld by Maine Supreme Court

A decision by the Maine Supreme Court last week, in an inheritance dispute of considerable value involving a very large trust set up by one of the founders of IBM for the benefit of his descendants, the Court ruled that an adult adoption of a same-sex partner was legitimate.  The issue largely centered on whether the adoptee-partner was "a descendant" and part of the trust beneficiary class who could gain a share of the substantial trust. According to the Court, she is.

Is no-fault divorce fostering disposable marriage?

Ben Stevens, who writes the South Carolina Family Law Blog, reports the following:

"The recently retired Chief Justice of the Georgia Supreme Court, Leah Ward Sears, wrote a compelling article for CNN.com in which she called for the end of 'disposable marriage.'  Her brother committed suicide, and she suspected that his bitter divorce at least partially contributed to it.  Some of key quotes from her commentary are listed below, but I highly recommend that everyone read the whole article:

    "As a judge I have long held a front row seat to the wreckage left behind by our culture of disposable marriage and casual divorce ...."

* * *

Should you open your spouse's mail?

Usually spouses live together for a while after filing. Suppose you see correspondence from your spouse's lawyer in the mail. Should you open it? Is it OK to hide it or throw it away?

This issue is addressed in  Jeanne M. Hannah’s blog: Mail tampering | Opening or hiding the other spouse’s mail.

See also: TITLE 18 > PART I > CHAPTER 83 > § 1708

To file a formal complaint with the U.S. Postal Inspection Service, use PS Form 2016 (Mail Theft and Vandalism Complaint).

Presidential Family Agenda

   Most of us are understandably focused on what our new president can and will do to help boost the economy, maintain national security from terrorism, conclude the war in Iraq and other issues of national importance. Yet, there are a myriad of issues on a president's agenda that will have a more personal effect on our lives and on the lives of our families. Here is an insightful review of President Obama's family law agenda. I offer this as information only and not as an endorsement of any particular political view!

• Expand the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA): The FMLA covers only certain people who work for employers with 50 or more employees. Barack Obama and Joe Biden will expand the FMLA to cover businesses with 25 or more employees, and to cover more purposes including allowing: leave for workers who provide elder care; 24 hours of leave each year for parents to participate in their children's academic activities at school; leave for workers who care for individuals who reside in their home for 6 months or more; and leave for employees to address domestic violence and sexual assault.

• Encourage States to Adopt Paid Leave: President Barack Obama will initiate a 50 state strategy to encourage all of the states to adopt paid-leave systems. Obama and Biden will provide a $1.5 billion fund to assist states with start-up costs and to help states offset the costs for employees and employers.
• Expand High-Quality Afterschool Opportunities: Barack Obama and Joe Biden will double funding for the main federal support for after school programs, the 21st Century Learning Centers program, to serve one million more children. They will include measures to maximize performance and effectiveness across grantees nationwide.
• Expand the Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit: The Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit provides too little relief to families that struggle to afford child care expenses. Barack Obama and Joe Biden will reform the Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit by making it refundable and allowing low-income families to receive up to a 50 percent credit for their child care expenses.
• Protect Against Caregiver Discrimination: Workers with family obligations often are discriminated against in the workplace. Barack Obama and Joe Biden will commit the government to enforcing recently-enacted Equal Employment Opportunity Commission guidelines on caregiver discrimination.
• Expand Flexible Work Arrangements: Barack Obama and Joe Biden will address this concern by creating a program to inform businesses about the benefits of flexible work schedules for productivity and establishing positive workplaces; helping businesses create flexible work opportunities; and increasing federal incentives for telecommuting. Obama and Biden will also make the federal government a model employer in terms of adopting flexible work schedules and permitting employees to petition to request flexible arrangements.

• Strengthen Fatherhood and Families: Barack Obama has re-introduced the Responsible Fatherhood and Healthy Families Act to remove some of the government penalties on married families, crack down on men avoiding child support payments, ensure that support payments go to families instead of state bureaucracies, fund support services for fathers and their families, and support domestic violence prevention efforts. President Obama will sign this bill into law and continue to implement innovative measures to strengthen families.
• Support Parents with Young Children: Barack Obama and Joe Biden will expand programs like the successful Nurse-Family Partnership to all low-income, first-time mothers. The Nurse-Family Partnership provides home visits by trained registered nurses to low-income expectant mothers and their families. Researchers at the Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis concluded that these programs produced an average of five dollars in savings for every dollar invested and produced more than $28,000 in net savings for every high-risk family enrolled in the program. The Obama-Biden plan will assist approximately 570,000 first-time mothers each year.

Some family law matters relating to sexual minorities include:

• Support Full Civil Unions and Federal Rights for LGBT Couples: President Obama supports full civil unions that give same-sex couples legal rights and privileges equal to those of married couples. Obama also believes we need to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act and enact legislation that would ensure that the 1,100+ federal legal rights and benefits currently provided on the basis of marital status are extended to same-sex couples in civil unions and other legally-recognized unions. These rights and benefits include the right to assist a loved one in times of emergency, the right to equal health insurance and other employment benefits, and property rights.
• Oppose a Constitutional Ban on Same-Sex Marriage: President Obama voted against the Federal Marriage Amendment in 2006 which would have defined marriage as between a man and a woman and prevented judicial extension of marriage-like rights to same-sex or other unmarried couples.
• Expand Adoption Rights: President Obama believes that we must ensure adoption rights for all couples and individuals, regardless of their sexual orientation. He thinks that a child will benefit from a healthy and loving home, whether the parents are gay or not.

A Dozen Ways Children of Divorce Get Caught In Their Parents' Conflict

Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.  The following tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker  in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas.  Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.

Parents who are either in the middle of a divorce, thinking about divorce, or already divorced should pay careful attention to the following ways that parents put their children directly in the middle of the conflict, and do their best to avoid them!

1.     Bad Mouthing

One of the most hurtful things a divorce parent can do to a child is to criticize the child's other parent in the child's presence.  Statements such as "Your father caused our divorce", or "if it weren't for your mother, we'd still be a family," are common examples of "bad-mouthing".

2.     Forcing a Child To Choose

It is harmful to pressure a child to "take sides" in a dispute between the divorced parents.  Children have a right to their own thoughts and feelings about the divorce and deserve to know they will be loved by both parents regardless of the opinions and feelings they have.  If parents are in conflict over custody and children are facing a decision about which home to live in outside professionals should be called upon for help.

3.     Spying

A parent who asks a child questions about the other parent's personal life is asking that child to become involved in the parents' conflicts.  Children in this situation may end up feeling they have betrayed a parent they love.

4.     Making the Child the Messenger

Parents make their children do a parent's job when they ask their children to carry messages to the other parent.  Children learn indirect ways to communicate when asked to be messengers and may feel guilt over having to assume adult responsibilities for their parents' communication.

5.     Sabotaging the Child's Routine

When parents fail to give a child medication, fail to follow through on discipline imposed by the other parent, or bend rules on bed-time, diet, or curfews out of anger for the other parent, they are involving the child in parental conflicts.  conflicted parents frequently take their children to medical professionals without consulting the other parents as a way of acting out unresolved divorce disputes.  This practice places parental conflict above the child's medical well-being.

6.     Compensating for the Other Parent's Failures

One divorced parent may view the other parent as a poor parent for being "too lenient", "too strict", "too involved", or "not involved enough".  Such parents often try to compensate for the other parent's "failures' by being the opposite kind of parent.  Children in such situations suffer by not having parents who are using a balanced approach to rearing children.

7.     Making a Popularity Contest of Parenthood

A parent may try to win the affection of a child out of fear that the child favors the other parent.  such parents go overboard to "be nice" or refrain from being firm with their children. Children suffer in these situations by not having the advantage of a parent who is acting in the proper role of authority figure.

8.     Being an Accomplice to Whining

A parent may allow a child to complain about the other parents without helping the child see a more balanced view of the other parent.  If the parents either passively accepts the complaint or fails to urge the children to take up these grievances with the other parent they subtly encourage children to use indirect communication as a way of managing conflict.

9.     Child Abuse Allegations

It is becoming common for conflicting parents to express their hostilities by making unfounded allegations of child abuse.  For children the consequences of these allegations are negative and far-reaching.  Children are drawn into evaluations, investigations, and court testimony which greatly increase the risk of prolonged confusion, hurt, and anger.

10.     Custody Fights

Some parents pursue custody fights when they know perfectly well that the real reason for the custody action is to be vindictive.  Children experience custody battles between their parents as extremely stressful.

11.     Child Support

Parents too often use child support by withholding it, demanding more, or making payments late when the real motivation is to perpetuate a dispute with the former spouse.  In many homes children suffer directly when child support payments are not made regularly or when conflict is expressed indirectly in this way.

12.     Using Noble Ideas to Hide Double Standards

A custodial parent might say "i want her to make her own decisions" when a child refused to visit the non-custodial parent but strictly enforce curfews when the same child wants to stay out late.  A custodial parent might say "He has the right to his own feelings" if a child says critical things about his non-custodial parent but lecture and browbeat the same child for "talking back" at home.  Children are sensitive to inconsistencies.  They react to them with mistrust and cynicism.

SOURCE: Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog

SOURCE FOR POST: Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce & Family Law Blog