Laurel Fink on Michigan Family Law

A Dozen Ways Children of Divorce Get Caught In Their Parents' Conflict

Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.  The following tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker  in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas.  Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.

Parents who are either in the middle of a divorce, thinking about divorce, or already divorced should pay careful attention to the following ways that parents put their children directly in the middle of the conflict, and do their best to avoid them!

1.     Bad Mouthing

One of the most hurtful things a divorce parent can do to a child is to criticize the child's other parent in the child's presence.  Statements such as "Your father caused our divorce", or "if it weren't for your mother, we'd still be a family," are common examples of "bad-mouthing".

2.     Forcing a Child To Choose

It is harmful to pressure a child to "take sides" in a dispute between the divorced parents.  Children have a right to their own thoughts and feelings about the divorce and deserve to know they will be loved by both parents regardless of the opinions and feelings they have.  If parents are in conflict over custody and children are facing a decision about which home to live in outside professionals should be called upon for help.

3.     Spying

A parent who asks a child questions about the other parent's personal life is asking that child to become involved in the parents' conflicts.  Children in this situation may end up feeling they have betrayed a parent they love.

4.     Making the Child the Messenger

Parents make their children do a parent's job when they ask their children to carry messages to the other parent.  Children learn indirect ways to communicate when asked to be messengers and may feel guilt over having to assume adult responsibilities for their parents' communication.

5.     Sabotaging the Child's Routine

When parents fail to give a child medication, fail to follow through on discipline imposed by the other parent, or bend rules on bed-time, diet, or curfews out of anger for the other parent, they are involving the child in parental conflicts.  conflicted parents frequently take their children to medical professionals without consulting the other parents as a way of acting out unresolved divorce disputes.  This practice places parental conflict above the child's medical well-being.

6.     Compensating for the Other Parent's Failures

One divorced parent may view the other parent as a poor parent for being "too lenient", "too strict", "too involved", or "not involved enough".  Such parents often try to compensate for the other parent's "failures' by being the opposite kind of parent.  Children in such situations suffer by not having parents who are using a balanced approach to rearing children.

7.     Making a Popularity Contest of Parenthood

A parent may try to win the affection of a child out of fear that the child favors the other parent.  such parents go overboard to "be nice" or refrain from being firm with their children. Children suffer in these situations by not having the advantage of a parent who is acting in the proper role of authority figure.

8.     Being an Accomplice to Whining

A parent may allow a child to complain about the other parents without helping the child see a more balanced view of the other parent.  If the parents either passively accepts the complaint or fails to urge the children to take up these grievances with the other parent they subtly encourage children to use indirect communication as a way of managing conflict.

9.     Child Abuse Allegations

It is becoming common for conflicting parents to express their hostilities by making unfounded allegations of child abuse.  For children the consequences of these allegations are negative and far-reaching.  Children are drawn into evaluations, investigations, and court testimony which greatly increase the risk of prolonged confusion, hurt, and anger.

10.     Custody Fights

Some parents pursue custody fights when they know perfectly well that the real reason for the custody action is to be vindictive.  Children experience custody battles between their parents as extremely stressful.

11.     Child Support

Parents too often use child support by withholding it, demanding more, or making payments late when the real motivation is to perpetuate a dispute with the former spouse.  In many homes children suffer directly when child support payments are not made regularly or when conflict is expressed indirectly in this way.

12.     Using Noble Ideas to Hide Double Standards

A custodial parent might say "i want her to make her own decisions" when a child refused to visit the non-custodial parent but strictly enforce curfews when the same child wants to stay out late.  A custodial parent might say "He has the right to his own feelings" if a child says critical things about his non-custodial parent but lecture and browbeat the same child for "talking back" at home.  Children are sensitive to inconsistencies.  They react to them with mistrust and cynicism.

SOURCE: Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog

SOURCE FOR POST: Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce & Family Law Blog

Co-Parenting After Divorce

     One of the most rewarding cases I ever worked on involved a couple who went to great extremes to set aside their differences for the sake of their four children. The marriage had broken down after numerous acts of infidelity by both parties. Needless to say, there was disappointment, anger and resentment. Nevertheless, the divorce judgment not only provided for shared custody, but the parties agreed that the ex-husband would buy a home just around the corner from the marital home. As a result, the children were able to go back and forth between their two homes at will, with ease, thus maintaining daily contact and interaction with each parent. Everyone thrived.
    Even after almost 25 years of divorce practice, it is still very painful to witness how angry spouses can become destructive parents, by allowing the emotional baggage of the marriage impair their ability to provide a sense of security and love for their children. You may be through with your spouse, but s/he will be the parent of your children for a lifetime. Anything you can do to promote a strong relationship with your ex-spouse will only help your children to feel safe and loved. So, what can you do? Here are some tips from several relationship experts:

TIPS TO REMAIN FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX -- Dr. Mark Goulston

1. Cooperation versus turning every disagreement into a fight.
    2. Compromise versus having to be right and win at all costs.
    3. Taking responsibility for causing problems versus blaming the other person.
    4. Showing humility versus self-righteousness.
    5. Expressing appreciation versus never saying "Thank you."
    6. Saying "I'm sorry" versus being defensive.
    7. Being quick to forgive versus holding a grudge.
    8. Being proactive versus passive or reactive.
    9. Giving the other the benefit of the doubt versus being quick to criticize.
    10. Showing a commitment to what's best for children versus being self-centered and self-serving.

10 RULES OF GOOD EX-ETIQUETTE -- Dr. Jann Blackstone-Ford

1. Put the children first.
2. Ask for help when you need it.
3. No badmouthing.
4. Biological parents make the rules; bonus (step) parents uphold them.
5. Don’t be spiteful.
6. Don’t hold grudges.
7. Use empathy when problem solving.
8. Be honest and straightforward.
9. Respect each others' turf.
10. Compromise whenever possible.

REMAINING FRIENDS AFTER DIVORCE -- Dr. Tina Tessina

1. Let it be.  Don't keep bringing up old hurts, disappointment and wounds. Learn from them about what to do next time, and forget about getting satisfaction from this ex. If that could have happened, it would have in your marriage. 

2. Think of the kids.  If you have children, put their welfare first. It's harmful to them to have two wrangling parents using them for ammunition. Focus on doing what works for the kids, even if you have to swallow some pride. 

3. Move on. Get some excitement going in your own life -- new activities, new friends, and a new attitude. Remember that "living well is the best revenge" and see this as an opportunity to rebuild your life, the way you want it. 

4. Think of the future.  If something upsets you, think "Will I be upset about this in a week, six months, a year?" Getting that future perspective will calm you down and help you think clearly. 

5. Separate legal matters from everything else.  If you have to go to court to get your ex to live up to agreements, or make a better deal, just let it be business. Let your lawyer handle everything, and don't talk about it to the kids or your ex. 

6. Treat your ex like any other friend.  Don't get too personal, and don't expect too much from your previous connection. Let this be a new ballgame. 

7. If you don't want to hear about your ex's dating or new love, don't ask.  Wait until you have something new of your own: a new college course, new friends, etc. Keep in mind that men often jump immediately into a new relationship to try and avoid their emotions, and it usually backfires. Women usually take longer to open up to new relationships, and fare better, especially if they've taken the time to learn from past experience. 

8. Keep the friendship with your ex on the appropriate level.  Just be as friendly as you need to be for a shared business, your kids' school or sports events, or family functions. Just because you're being nice to each other, don't get nostalgic for the old relationship. 

9. Don't let your jealousy show.  If your ex has a new love, it might be hard, not only on you, but on the kids. So, you be the grownup, don't act out on your anger and hurt. To vent your emotions, use a counselor, a trusted friend (who won't tell your ex or gossip) or a minister or spiritual counselor.   

10. As time passes, you may come to cherish this friendship with your ex. You two could do far better as friends than as marriage partners. But, if the unforeseen should happen, and things warm up between you, run, don't walk to a counselor, to make sure you don't repeat old mistakes.

Parenting Time During the Holidays

It's that time of year again. The holidays are fast-approaching and I expect, as usual, the emergency calls to my cell phone on Christmas Eve, a Hanuka weekend party, or on New Years.